And when it rains, it pours
by elleigator
Summary: Chloe finds Ange outside in the rain. One shot. TW for referenced rape.


Chloe found her outside, slouching against the brick wall of the hospital with a cigarette clamped between her teeth, inhaling smoke like it was the antidote to some deadly poison. It was raining, but Ange didn't seem to care, letting the water flow down the curve of her face until it dripped off the end of her nose and made the cigarette hiss and splutter as she breathed out in a puff of mist. The smoke drifted upwards in multicoloured spirals – first orange-green as it twisted its way through the poor excuse for a hospital garden, then taking on the blue-black hue of the sky until it disappeared forever, whipped apart by the wind as it journeyed skywards through the rain. Following it with her eyes, Ange sighed.

"Everything alright, Chloe?" She didn't bother to look round for her daughter as she saw the slim shadow weave through the dark night; she knew Chloe would come looking before long. They had had another row, a stupid argument about Evan and whether or not to call the police, but Chloe knew that it was more than that. She had figured out a few years ago, combining her birthday (approximately eight-and-a-half months from now) and her mother's constant on edge mood on this specific day, every single year, she had realised. This was the night. Ange took another long drag on the cigarette as the other woman sidled past the dying rose bushes to stand beside her, looking out across the overgrown grass to the car park. Nobody had passed along the path since Ange had left the tense hospital to stand in the rain; the only noise came from inside and the sound of her own breathing. And now Chloe, her clothes rustling as she settled himself against the wall, pulling her jacket tighter around herself in an attempt to stay as dry as possible. Ange, it seemed, had taken no such precautions and her blue scrub shirt was soaked, the short sleeves sticking to her elbows. Chloe took in her mother's dishevelled appearance with a sigh.

"I could ask you the same question," she replied eventually, her tone light as she stuffed her hands into her pockets. "Why are you out here?"

Ange gave a half-hearted shrug and turned back to her cigarette, letting the smoke pour out of her mouth as he answered. "Why do you think?" She waved the cigarette dismissively in Chloe's direction before returning it to her mouth, rolling it back and forth between her teeth as if deep in thought.

"But why are you really out here?"

Ange didn't miss the subtle emphasis on the question, and the set of her shoulders hardened as she crossed her arms across her chest, standing up straighter. When she spoke again she wasn't looking at Chloe but her voice was defiant.

"Do I need an excuse to go outside for a smoke?"

"You only smoke when you're upset." The bold statement irked her, and Ange clenched her fists, glaring daggers at the red Volvo in front of them.

"Please don't."

Chloe refused to be offended, knowing by now that with her mum, anger was normally just a defence mechanism. She reached out to place a hand on Ange's arm.

"I know what's wrong, Mum." She paused for a moment. "Look, you can talk to me, you know."

Ange jumped as if physically struck, whirling round off of the wall to face her daughter. Her wet hair fell across her face, but Chloe caught sight of the rage in her eyes as she shook her head, pushing her hair back out of her face.

"Yes, I fucking well can, but you know what, Chloe? I don't want to talk about it. So why can't you just leave me alone and accept that? I don't want to talk!" Her voice, which had started dangerously quiet, ended up in a shout that made Chloe flinch in pain, and they realised at the same time that they could be heard from across the car park when they raised their voices.

Chloe reacted quickly and, before she could storm away, she grabbed her mother's arm tightly. Ange glared at her, tears threatening to fall because today was just a bit too much. Twisting her hand free, the cigarette slipped from her fingers and fell to the ground, spluttering as it was extinguished by the rain. Ange swore and moved to fumble inside her pocket for another one, but her daughter stopped her with a yank on her scrub shirt that almost ripped the material.

"Why can't I accept that?" Chloe hissed furiously in answer, moving her face closer to her mother's in an effort to get her point across. "I can't accept that because I'm your daughter. I am the product of what happened that night, Mum, so no. I can't accept it." She shook the handful of shirt clenched in her fist, watching Ange's eyes fill up with tears. "I love you and you know that. But if you ever want for me to reach any sort of self-acceptance, you need to forgive yourself first. What happened was no more your fault than it was mine." Point made, she released the older woman with a glare and turned away, amber eyes glowing in the light from inside the hospital.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Ange take another cigarette out of her pocket, cupping her hand around the end as she lit it. In the darkness, the frantic clicking of the lighter sounded muffled, and Chloe sighed, her anger fading as the rain began to fall harder, bouncing off the hospital roof tiles. She was thoroughly wet now, and she could feel her shirt soaking through beneath her jacket. She shivered, and for a moment she considered going back inside in the warm, before deciding against it. Pushing off the wall, she turned to her mum to apologise for getting mad.

"No." The interruption startled her, but when she looked up in confusion Ange was no longer beside her but pacing up and down the pavement. Her eyes were stormy in the flickering light of the cigarette, her shoulders hunched against the rain, and watching her, Chloe understood that her mum just wasn't ready to talk yet. From the wall where she was attempting to shelter himself, Ange was a shadow in the night, lit now and then by a flicker of red as she turned, her strides coming slower and slower as she calmed.

Finally she came to a stop, a few steps away from the wall. Digging the toe of her shoe into the mud, Ange looked at the floor, alternatively shivering and puffing on her cigarette. There was silence.

"You must be cold, standing out here in the rain," she offered at last, without looking up from the ground. It was an apology of sorts, the type Chloe heard most often from her mother, because Ange found it difficult to say "I'm sorry," when she was upset and resorted to small gestures instead to show that she cared.

"So must you," Chloe replied quietly.

Ange relaxed, glancing once at the other woman before taking in the peace garden again, frowning.

"What happened to the vape?"

"Carole has it."

Chloe thought better than to question this.

She moved over, giving Ange space to lean against the wall beside her, and for a while they stood there in silence, shoulder to shoulder, listening to the sound of the rain falling. They could hear trolleys being pushed around, shouts and a general buzz of noise from inside the hospital. Ange's frown deepened.

"Sweetheart?" She spoke quietly, and Chloe could tell he was debating whether or not to go on or to pass it off as an "I love you".

"Hmmn?"

"I hate myself most for refusing to give evidence." Chloe drew in her breath, turning to face her mum, but Ange was staring into the distance, rain pouring down her face and dripping from her hair.

"I didn't know that." Her reply was noncommittal, giving Ange a chance to back out.

"I was so scared. I was so terrified of trying to be a mother to you, too. I thought I would mess you up, you were better off without me. I thought I wouldn't be able to cope, being reminded every time I saw you, but that never happened. When I saw you, I just saw a little girl. My daughter. And so I hate myself for all those years I wasted, telling myself we were no good for each other." Ange's expression was bleak even in the darkness, and once again she nursed her cigarette like it was a lifeline. Chloe reached out a hand again, squeezing her Mum's wrist in support. This time Ange didn't flinch away.

"Oh, Mum."

"I've always blamed myself, for what you had to go through as a teenager. It was because of my influence, or my lack of one when you were little." Chloe knew that Ange was trying to convince herself as much as anything else, but she let her do it anyway, knowing she was only trying to stop her daughter getting hurt. Silence fell again, until Chloe tugged her mum round to face her, pulling her into a hug.

"I love you so much. You have only ever wanted to protect me, and you may not have gone about it in the best way, but you did what you could. You were hurting too." For a moment the only sound was the steady thrumming of Ange's heartbeat. Then...

"I know."

Chloe smiled as she pulled away to look her mother in the eye.

"I love you."


End file.
